You would think after 3 1/2 years of long-distance dating that The Boyfriend and I would have engaged in phone sex many times by now. We haven't, probably because of my lack of experience -- I'm a phone sex virgin. The Boyfriend, however, being no stranger to long distance relationships, is a phone sex expert. Well, maybe "expert" is not the right word. He's engaged in auditory copulation (I made that up!) with at least a couple of his partners but it's not been something he's tried to initiate with me.
When I brought the subject up last night, expressing a desire to give phone sex a try, The Boyfriend was hesitant. In his mind, phone sex is one of those things he associates with those "other" women he's dated. You know, the women he's slept with within a few hours of meeting them. The women for whom he's had very little respect. Apparently, according to him, I'm "too good" for phone sex.
I appreciate the value he's bestowed upon me and our relationship. And though I sometimes enjoy the view from the pedestal he often puts me on, it can be awfully lonely up here, especially when you aren't gettin' any. The fact of the matter is I have sexual needs just like those "other" women do. And more importantly, I desire the connection that sexually intimacy can provide. Now, I'll be the first to admit that having sex over the phone doesn't sound nearly as satisfying as having it in person. But in this seemingly never-ending long-distance relationship, I'll take what I can get.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I need help.
I am a sick person. A very, very, very sick person.
Today, while sitting in my car on my lunch break, I ate an entire bag of Hostess Mini Chocolate Covered Donuts. An. Entire. Bag. That's got to be a sign of a serious psychological illness, especially considering that I'm a diabetic who knows the damage inhaling 6 servings of sugar-coated refined carbohydrates can do to my body. Yet, I did it anyway.
And that's not the worst of it.
Yesterday, again while in the privacy of my vehicle, I consumed half a box of Twinkies.
Do I have some sort of death wish or something?
They say that one of the triggers to binge eating is stress, but I don't necessarily think I've been under a whole lot of stress per se. Well, I did lose my job back in February, but that wasn't what I would consider stressful. After all, all of my bills were paid for (courtesy of the government and my family). All of them. So essentially, my unemployment experience was like being on a 6-month long vacation, the kind of vacation where you leave both the husband and the kids at home and it's just you, the beach and a good book. That's not to say I didn't worry occasionally, but there was never this constant, underlying feeling of anxiety driving me to eat more than I should.
What I do think is underlying are feelings of deprivation. Since being diagnosed with diabetes in October '08, I have been carrying around with me constantly, much like I carry around my purse, a sense of being deprived. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly motivated, I can ignore those feelings with ease. Sometimes, it's a bit more of a struggle, but I'm still able to make healthy choices. Other times, I succumb. And I succumb in the most destructive of ways -- by binge eating.
A few months ago, it was suggested by my dear readers, that I join a support group like Overeaters Anonymous. I resisted because it seemed like an option that might suck out the last of my remaining dignity. But I think I'm now at a point where I'm willing to set aside my pride if it means getting the help I need to, once and for all, change my life for the better.
Stay tuned. . .
Whew! That was kind of. . .cathartic. I'm surprised with the ease with which I wrote the above post. The last two posts really have come rather easily. They've still taken me a long time to write, about an hour, but it was easy writing. I simply wrote what came to me and I didn't belabor every word of every sentence trying to craft the next Pulitzer contender.
One of the reasons I felt the need to write is I haven't felt like I could confide in The Boyfriend this week because he's dealing with his own issues concerning finances, job and a general sense of being a failure. I try to help by offering "advice" but it always seems to come off more like brow-beating criticism which ends up being no help at all, frustrating and angering both of us and causing him to shut me out. I'm beginning to think that my role of being a supportive partner should consist mainly of listening and should involve very little talking.
I needed to get that off my chest too.
Today, while sitting in my car on my lunch break, I ate an entire bag of Hostess Mini Chocolate Covered Donuts. An. Entire. Bag. That's got to be a sign of a serious psychological illness, especially considering that I'm a diabetic who knows the damage inhaling 6 servings of sugar-coated refined carbohydrates can do to my body. Yet, I did it anyway.
And that's not the worst of it.
Yesterday, again while in the privacy of my vehicle, I consumed half a box of Twinkies.
Do I have some sort of death wish or something?
They say that one of the triggers to binge eating is stress, but I don't necessarily think I've been under a whole lot of stress per se. Well, I did lose my job back in February, but that wasn't what I would consider stressful. After all, all of my bills were paid for (courtesy of the government and my family). All of them. So essentially, my unemployment experience was like being on a 6-month long vacation, the kind of vacation where you leave both the husband and the kids at home and it's just you, the beach and a good book. That's not to say I didn't worry occasionally, but there was never this constant, underlying feeling of anxiety driving me to eat more than I should.
What I do think is underlying are feelings of deprivation. Since being diagnosed with diabetes in October '08, I have been carrying around with me constantly, much like I carry around my purse, a sense of being deprived. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly motivated, I can ignore those feelings with ease. Sometimes, it's a bit more of a struggle, but I'm still able to make healthy choices. Other times, I succumb. And I succumb in the most destructive of ways -- by binge eating.
A few months ago, it was suggested by my dear readers, that I join a support group like Overeaters Anonymous. I resisted because it seemed like an option that might suck out the last of my remaining dignity. But I think I'm now at a point where I'm willing to set aside my pride if it means getting the help I need to, once and for all, change my life for the better.
Stay tuned. . .
**************************
Whew! That was kind of. . .cathartic. I'm surprised with the ease with which I wrote the above post. The last two posts really have come rather easily. They've still taken me a long time to write, about an hour, but it was easy writing. I simply wrote what came to me and I didn't belabor every word of every sentence trying to craft the next Pulitzer contender.
One of the reasons I felt the need to write is I haven't felt like I could confide in The Boyfriend this week because he's dealing with his own issues concerning finances, job and a general sense of being a failure. I try to help by offering "advice" but it always seems to come off more like brow-beating criticism which ends up being no help at all, frustrating and angering both of us and causing him to shut me out. I'm beginning to think that my role of being a supportive partner should consist mainly of listening and should involve very little talking.
I needed to get that off my chest too.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
I finally have something to say.
You would think that, with being jobless, I would have had oodles of time to do mindless things like drone on endlessly in the blogosphere, to no one in particular, about the mundane details of my life. And I have. Had oodles of time, that is. But what I also found is that I've had very little to say. The mundane details just seemed too. . .well, mundane, which is why I seemed to have gone M.I.A. as of late.
But now. . .NOW, I have something to say. An announcement of sorts. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Good, 'cause here it is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
That's right. Grizzbabe is BACK! Back in the coal mines with the rest of you slobs, slaving away like a migrant worker. No more living off the government dole for me. No sirree. I gots me a payin' gig!
Where am I working you ask?
In the interest of anonymity and all that, let's just say I'm working as an administrative assistant for a non-profit organization that specializes in mentoring children.
How did I get this job you query?
(A bunch of nosy fuckers!)
Good old-fashioned networking. (I'm living proof that it's not just what you know it's who you know.)
A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my associate pastor that I would be interested in volunteering for a non-profit until I could secure full-time employment. Having been a former Executive Director in the non-profit arena, she tossed a few contact names my way and, within a week, I was volunteering at two organizations, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon.
I started on a Monday and by Thursday, both organizations had expressed an interest in hiring me part-time with one position having the potential of going full-time. Well, once the organization that wanted to eventually hire me permanently found out about my other volunteer activities, a full-time offer was put on the table, which I accepted.
And I am so grateful. Grateful to be working again, but also to be helping a great bunch of people to advance such a worthy cause.
How does this affect The Boyfriend and I's marriage plans?
Good question. I'll let you know when we figure it out.
But now. . .NOW, I have something to say. An announcement of sorts. Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Good, 'cause here it is:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I HAVE A JOB!!!!
That's right. Grizzbabe is BACK! Back in the coal mines with the rest of you slobs, slaving away like a migrant worker. No more living off the government dole for me. No sirree. I gots me a payin' gig!
Where am I working you ask?
In the interest of anonymity and all that, let's just say I'm working as an administrative assistant for a non-profit organization that specializes in mentoring children.
How did I get this job you query?
(A bunch of nosy fuckers!)
Good old-fashioned networking. (I'm living proof that it's not just what you know it's who you know.)
A few weeks ago, I mentioned to my associate pastor that I would be interested in volunteering for a non-profit until I could secure full-time employment. Having been a former Executive Director in the non-profit arena, she tossed a few contact names my way and, within a week, I was volunteering at two organizations, one in the morning and the other in the afternoon.
I started on a Monday and by Thursday, both organizations had expressed an interest in hiring me part-time with one position having the potential of going full-time. Well, once the organization that wanted to eventually hire me permanently found out about my other volunteer activities, a full-time offer was put on the table, which I accepted.
And I am so grateful. Grateful to be working again, but also to be helping a great bunch of people to advance such a worthy cause.
How does this affect The Boyfriend and I's marriage plans?
Good question. I'll let you know when we figure it out.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Thoughts
The battle between me and food is getting more difficult, more intense. I have trouble dealing with my feelings of deprivation which causes me to want to inhale my entire pantry to satisfy some warped part of me. Only I never feel fully satiated despite my relentless efforts to eat my way to emotional well-being. My blood sugar is the casualty in all of this. How long can it continue to take hits before turning on me?
In happier news, I have lost a remarkable amount of weight, 65lbs total. I've bought new clothes, cute clothes, in styles and sizes I haven't seen in years. I suppose that could be a motivation of sorts.
Wednesday, I'm leaving for a 10-day stay in Chicago to do some job hunting and to spend some time with The Boyfriend. I was just there a week and a half ago so it's a real treat to be with my beloved again so soon.
On my last visit, I made the mistake of thinking out loud concerning my ideas on redecorating and rearranging the furniture once, you know, we get married and I move in for good. My recommendations? To put his coffee table (and maybe an end table) in storage to reduce some of the clutter and create more space in his tiny living room. He was so resistant that you would have thought I'd suggested we haul all his stuff off and chop it up to use for kindling while I moved in my stuff. I, of course, suggested nothing of the sort but, to him, it felt like I did.
This whole marriage thing, it's about making room for one another, right? Not just emotionally but physically as well. Yeah, we're still working on that.
In happier news, I have lost a remarkable amount of weight, 65lbs total. I've bought new clothes, cute clothes, in styles and sizes I haven't seen in years. I suppose that could be a motivation of sorts.
Wednesday, I'm leaving for a 10-day stay in Chicago to do some job hunting and to spend some time with The Boyfriend. I was just there a week and a half ago so it's a real treat to be with my beloved again so soon.
On my last visit, I made the mistake of thinking out loud concerning my ideas on redecorating and rearranging the furniture once, you know, we get married and I move in for good. My recommendations? To put his coffee table (and maybe an end table) in storage to reduce some of the clutter and create more space in his tiny living room. He was so resistant that you would have thought I'd suggested we haul all his stuff off and chop it up to use for kindling while I moved in my stuff. I, of course, suggested nothing of the sort but, to him, it felt like I did.
This whole marriage thing, it's about making room for one another, right? Not just emotionally but physically as well. Yeah, we're still working on that.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
How The Boyfriend and I are different.
Me: Now that your work schedule has changed, which nights do you want to talk on the phone?
(In case you've just arrived to the party, The Boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship)
The Boyfriend: Let's play it by ear.
(short pause)
Me: I'm a planner. I don't like playing things by ear.
The Boyfriend: OH, GOD!
I could hear his eyes rolling like pinballs into the back of his head.
I went on to explain in mind-numbing detail how my life works much better if I know exactly what I'm going to do when.
The Boyfriend: Fine! You pick which days we're going to talk. It really doesn't matter to me.
Of course, I wasn't going to be a total control-freak and not take his feelings into consideration so we struck a compromise -- we talk on Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. If one of us wants to talk more, then we could give the other a call. If the other person is available then we talk; if not, we save the conversation for another day. It's the best of both worlds. I get my structure and he gets his flexibility.
I wished all of life's "problems" worked themselves out this easily.
Now, someone promise me that this is as difficult as it's going to get.
(In case you've just arrived to the party, The Boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship)
The Boyfriend: Let's play it by ear.
(short pause)
Me: I'm a planner. I don't like playing things by ear.
The Boyfriend: OH, GOD!
I could hear his eyes rolling like pinballs into the back of his head.
I went on to explain in mind-numbing detail how my life works much better if I know exactly what I'm going to do when.
The Boyfriend: Fine! You pick which days we're going to talk. It really doesn't matter to me.
Of course, I wasn't going to be a total control-freak and not take his feelings into consideration so we struck a compromise -- we talk on Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. If one of us wants to talk more, then we could give the other a call. If the other person is available then we talk; if not, we save the conversation for another day. It's the best of both worlds. I get my structure and he gets his flexibility.
I wished all of life's "problems" worked themselves out this easily.
Now, someone promise me that this is as difficult as it's going to get.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Odds and Ends
I woke up this morning with the desire to write, so here I am. I'm sure it has something to do with my reading habits as of late. I just finished Karen Armstrongs's Through the Narrow Gate. I'm also reading The Year of Living Biblically by A. J. Jacobs. I'm always interested in other people's spiritual journeys, especially when it takes them away from orthodoxy, because I'm still very much on an unorthodoxed journey of my own. I'm in pleasant and comfortable territory but I haven't gotten a full lay of the land yet. I'm still trying to find my way through the mysterious terrain of spirituality and so I read about others who have navigated this area before. I don't always follow their path but reading about their journeys helps me to find my bearings.
The Boyfriend and I are still wrestling with marriage and finances. I think "wrestling" is an accurate term. It seems healthier and more productive than "arguing" or even "disagreeing". "Wrestling" indicates that we're trying to find an approach to finances that satisfies us both, that we're not caught up in pettiness, that we are truly seeking what is best for us as individuals and as a couple. Yes, I think "wrestle" is the right word.
The Week Ahead
Monday: Even though I'm unemployed, I'm thankful to have this day "off". I don't plan to do much -- maybe clean up a little (emphasis on "little"), maybe do a load of laundry, probably get in a workout and that's about it. Oh, yeah, and I'll probably make tacos for dinner.
Tuesday: It's nose back to the job searching grindstone. I plan to send out about 5 resumes (it takes longer than you think, people), do some aerobics and then go to a friend's house for dinner. She lives in another county so I'll be making quite the trek. I love this friend. She's one of my favorite people. Her religious views are a bit unorthodoxed as well but not as unorthoxed as mine. She's still welcomed by the mainstream religious establishment. Me? Like Jesus did to the moneychangers, I'd be driven out of the temple as a heretic.
Wednesday: In keeping with my heretical religious views, I am going to my local county commission meeting to listen as they read a proposed non-discrimnation ordinance that ensures gays, lesbians, bisexuals and the transgendered are treated fairly in government and in the workforce. I truly believe it's what Jesus would do.
Thursday: My favorite day of the week, because it's grocery shopping day. I love to grocery shop! I love going up and down the aisles, surveying all the grocery items, imaging what I might cook with them someday. It's often the hightlight of my week. Sad, I know.
Friday: Friday is a big day. I'm having my friend Julie over for dinner. We're going to grill steaks. Or should I say she's going to grill steaks. I'm making creamed spinach and sauteed mushrooms. I'll probably roast some shrimp and make some homemade cocktail sauce for an appetizer. For dessert, I'm leaning towards a summery, diabetic-friendly banana pudding. Bon appetit!
******
The Boyfriend and I are still wrestling with marriage and finances. I think "wrestling" is an accurate term. It seems healthier and more productive than "arguing" or even "disagreeing". "Wrestling" indicates that we're trying to find an approach to finances that satisfies us both, that we're not caught up in pettiness, that we are truly seeking what is best for us as individuals and as a couple. Yes, I think "wrestle" is the right word.
******
The Week Ahead
Monday: Even though I'm unemployed, I'm thankful to have this day "off". I don't plan to do much -- maybe clean up a little (emphasis on "little"), maybe do a load of laundry, probably get in a workout and that's about it. Oh, yeah, and I'll probably make tacos for dinner.
Tuesday: It's nose back to the job searching grindstone. I plan to send out about 5 resumes (it takes longer than you think, people), do some aerobics and then go to a friend's house for dinner. She lives in another county so I'll be making quite the trek. I love this friend. She's one of my favorite people. Her religious views are a bit unorthodoxed as well but not as unorthoxed as mine. She's still welcomed by the mainstream religious establishment. Me? Like Jesus did to the moneychangers, I'd be driven out of the temple as a heretic.
Wednesday: In keeping with my heretical religious views, I am going to my local county commission meeting to listen as they read a proposed non-discrimnation ordinance that ensures gays, lesbians, bisexuals and the transgendered are treated fairly in government and in the workforce. I truly believe it's what Jesus would do.
Thursday: My favorite day of the week, because it's grocery shopping day. I love to grocery shop! I love going up and down the aisles, surveying all the grocery items, imaging what I might cook with them someday. It's often the hightlight of my week. Sad, I know.
Friday: Friday is a big day. I'm having my friend Julie over for dinner. We're going to grill steaks. Or should I say she's going to grill steaks. I'm making creamed spinach and sauteed mushrooms. I'll probably roast some shrimp and make some homemade cocktail sauce for an appetizer. For dessert, I'm leaning towards a summery, diabetic-friendly banana pudding. Bon appetit!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Life of the Unemployed, Day 71: How an unemployed person keeps herself busy.
By cooking!
That's what I've been doing for the past couple of months -- trying out new recipes and making them diabetic-friendly.
Just this morning, I made a ham and cheese quiche with a diabetic-friendly whole wheat crust.
Other things I've made are:
The infamous non-diabetic friendly Chocolate Chip Banana Nut Muffins I made for church.
I also made a yummy diabetic-friendly version with Splenda and whole wheat flour. I omitted the chocolate chips.
Last week, I made Kung Pao Chicken. It was da' bomb!
A deceptively good diabetic-friendly cherry crisp. A friend of mine, a non-diabetic, almost ate the whole thing by herself.
Diabetic-friendly Sloppy Joes
Diabetic-friendly Thousand Island dressing.
Funky looking but delicious whole wheat biscuits.
Whole wheat buttermilk pancakes.
And the list goes on.
I love cooking. And what better time to expand my repertoire then while I'm unemployed?
Both my mom and uncle are diabetics but they eat the same uninspiring things day in and day out. If I had to do that, I'd slit my wrists and put myself out of my misery. Diabetic-friendly doesn't have to be synonymous with boring.
I've started a blog, The Cooking Diva, where I've begun to post some of these recipes. Hopefully, I can fulfill a niche out there and help make someone else's diagnosis seem a little less like it's the end of the world.
That's what I've been doing for the past couple of months -- trying out new recipes and making them diabetic-friendly.
Just this morning, I made a ham and cheese quiche with a diabetic-friendly whole wheat crust.
Other things I've made are:
The infamous non-diabetic friendly Chocolate Chip Banana Nut Muffins I made for church.
I also made a yummy diabetic-friendly version with Splenda and whole wheat flour. I omitted the chocolate chips.
Last week, I made Kung Pao Chicken. It was da' bomb!
A deceptively good diabetic-friendly cherry crisp. A friend of mine, a non-diabetic, almost ate the whole thing by herself.
Diabetic-friendly Sloppy Joes
Diabetic-friendly Thousand Island dressing.
Funky looking but delicious whole wheat biscuits.
Whole wheat buttermilk pancakes.
And the list goes on.
I love cooking. And what better time to expand my repertoire then while I'm unemployed?
Both my mom and uncle are diabetics but they eat the same uninspiring things day in and day out. If I had to do that, I'd slit my wrists and put myself out of my misery. Diabetic-friendly doesn't have to be synonymous with boring.
I've started a blog, The Cooking Diva, where I've begun to post some of these recipes. Hopefully, I can fulfill a niche out there and help make someone else's diagnosis seem a little less like it's the end of the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)